


Mashup - #42 - Strange

by rocksalt_rifle (trismegistus)



Series: 50 Themes FMA/SPN Mashup [10]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist, Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-30
Updated: 2010-05-30
Packaged: 2017-10-09 19:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/90670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trismegistus/pseuds/rocksalt_rifle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt #42 of 50</p><p>
  <i>Oh god," Al said.</i>
</p><p>"See?"</p><p>"That thing licked me."</p><p>"Oh, gross. You've got dead body cooties."</p><p>"Ed!"</p><p>"What do you want me to say? Told you so? They're evil demon ferrets!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mashup - #42 - Strange

"So," Ed said, his feet braced against the opposite wall. "Been a while, hasn't it?" His boots were slick with mud and grime, it had been raining earlier in the day and there had been no grass to speak of once he'd stepped out of the Impala.

Roy was sitting on the floor of the cramped closet, his legs stretched out under Ed's. Ed had his back pressed against the door, which was keeping it closed and the rather nasty creature on the other side out. The thing, whatever it was, was a cryptozoologist's wet dream, some kind of nasty demon-ferret-weasal thing. It had gone for Ed's face the moment he stepped through the door and the only thing that had saved him was the double-barrelled shotgun he was holding. It had grabbed his gun in its teeth and Ed reacted, throwing it across the room. He had only a few seconds to glance around and saw the people with scratches on their faces, their bodies bloated in death and weird green ooze boiling out of their wounds.

That was all the indication Ed needed to start shooting at the thing. While he was no stormtrooper, the thing was tiny, small and wily. It seemed to curve its body around the shots before disappearing with a chatter into another room. Ed took another few steps into the house, eyes scanning quickly for the beast. He saw its unnatural red eyes appear in the doorway. A few seconds later, several more sets of eyes opened in that doorway.

"Fuck," Ed said calmly.

Roy had thrown up the door then and yelled for Ed, and Ed sprinted to the closet. He had just beaten the creatures and they slammed and braced the door from the inside just as Ed heard the ferrets throwing their bodies against it. Their claws were tiny, as were their teeth. They weren't getting in through the door, not yet.

Ed hadn't expected to find Roy here. He had come up with Al, and Al had doubled around the back because they thought they were dealing with a harmless, if terrifying to look at, cryptozooid. "What the fuck ARE those things?" Ed asked Roy.

"I don't know," Roy said grimly. "I had heard that there was a ghost dog bothering people up here and was going to take care of it when I almost became weasal chow."

"And you're in the closet. How apt."

Roy kicked at Ed, which there wasn't enough room to actually do. "Ass." He frowned at Ed. "Did they bite you or scratch you?"

"Nope," Ed said. "My awesome reflexes were clearly too much for them."

 

"Good. I think they excrete some kind of acidic poison," Roy said.

"Yeah, the bodies in the foyer were goozing.  
" Ed held tight to his rifle. "How long have you been in here?"

"Not long. I'm surprised you didn't see my car outside."

"Well, we've got to kill those things before they get out of this house."

"Yeah, a plague of mutant rabid ferrets is definitely something Revelations left out of this apocolpyse," Roy muttered.

Ed flipped open his cell phone to check his gun, and looked up. He really wished he hadn't. "Oh, god."

"Yeah, that's why I didn't have my flashlight on."

"Roy, you're in a closet with a dead guy."

"I noticed."

"People go insane because of things like this."

"It's a miracle I'm not eating my socks," Roy said dryly. "Do you have a plan?"

"I'm calling Al," Ed announced, putting the phone to his ear.

"Great, calling Al," Roy tried not to look up at the body hung from the ceiling. "Al can herd the demon ferrets. They can be his army to exact tiny, fuzzy vengence on the horsemen or something."

Ed gave Roy a strange look. "Are you sure you haven't gone crazy?"

"I'm sitting in a closet with a dead body and some guy who's apparently the vessel for the archangel Michael avoiding a swarm of mutant rabid demon ferrets. No, Ed, I'm the perfect picture of sanity today."

"I can't believe you said that with a straight face."

"I can't believe I'm living through it, is Al picking up?"

Ed held up a finger, and Roy took that to mean that yes, Al was picking up. "Hey, Al. Have you run across the ferrets yet? No? Trust me, you'll know." A silence. "Yeah, I'm sitting in a closet on the first floor with a dead body and Roy." Another beat, and then "No, Roy is not the dead body."

Roy pinched the bridge of his nose as Ed made a face at the phone. "Yes, it is pretty ripe in here, thanks for asking. Now are you going to do something to help out your big brother, or are you just going to continue to make fun of him?"

The closet door clicked open. Ed nearly spilled out backwards as Al looked down at him. "Gee," Al said, clicking his phone off. "I thought you outgrew 'Seven Minutes in Heaven' in grade school."

"Dude, where are the demon ferrets?" Ed asked, bewildered.

Al looked over his shoulder. "You mean those guys?"

There were at least twenty ferrets in a pile. Several extracted themselves from the pile and rushed them, and they wrapped around Al's legs, purring.

"Do ferrets purr?" Roy said.

"Dude," Ed said. "What the _hell_ Al? They were all evil and-" as he was speaking the two that were loving on Al opened their eyes, blood-red, and hissed at Ed.

"Whoa," Al said.

"See!" Ed screeched, pointing at them. "They're evil!"

"Okay, when I said Al should use them as a furry army I wasn't being serious," Roy said.

Al looked back at the writhing ball of fur in the corner. "They'd never see it coming," he said thoughtfully.

"No," Ed said. "They eat people."

"They wouldn't eat me."

"I bet they'd try me though, when you're asleep and not exerting whatever sort of freaky demonic mind control you're using on them right now."

Al frowned, clearly considering it. "They're not getting in my car," Ed said.

"Well what am I going to do with them?"

"Drown them?"

"Ed!"

"Al, they ate the people who lived in this house!" Ed had crawled out of the closet with Roy following close behind. "They're not ideal pets, they're man-eaters. We can't just let them loose in the woods."

"Okay, I am getting out of this house now, I swear they're watching me and licking their lips," Roy said, edging for the door.

Several of the ferrets detached and went for Roy, and he dashed out the door. Ed and Al looked at each other as the ferrets skidded to a halt at the threshold of the front door and hissed out after Roy.

"They can't leave the house," they said at the same time.

"Guess we'll just have to burn down the house," Ed said. "It'll explain the deaths, too."

Al picked up one of the ferrets that entangled itself around his leg. It curled around his shoulder and purred and Al made a sad face. "Can I at least keep George?"

"Jesus Christ, Al, you _named_ one?" Ed blinked. "You named it GEORGE?"

"How are you planning to keep it if it can't cross the threshold?" Roy called from outside the door.

Al sighed and put the ferret down. "I hate killing animals," he said mournfully. "Especially cute ones."

"Yeah, they're really cute when their eyes are red and they're frothing at the mouth for your blood," Ed said. As if to illustrate Ed's point the ferret Al put down scurried over to the pile of bodies and pulled out the eye of one of the dead.

"Oh god," Al said.

"See?"

"That thing licked me."

"Oh, gross. You've got dead body cooties."

"Ed!"

"What do you want me to say? Told you so? They're evil demon ferrets!"

"I can't believe that phrase came out of your mouth."

"I can't believe a lot of things that have happened today," Ed said. "Can we just burn this place down and move on with our lives? I'd like to forget that this ever happened and just move on."

"Sounds good to me." Al looked at the ferrets, who all turned blood-red eyes on them both and he shuddered, before Ed and Al made a quick exit.


End file.
